Mindful Manipulation

Have you ever experienced Imposter Syndrome? There are many situations in which a person could feel like a complete fraud, whether or not they actually were. The imposter syndrome hit full board when I published my first book.

Boy, I really thought I wrote that great epic. Encouraged by my personal brand of creativity, editing and revision took a “trunk” seat, and my need for improved skills was sitting shotgun, with a megaphone. Really annoying laugh too, but, neither here nor there. The point is, way to take a dip into the pool of “wait, what?” and need to climb your way back out. Disastrous.

I had a book out there, though. I spent all that time, worked through all those twists and plots. I wrote a full length honest to goodness novel length book! My childhood dream, bam, right there.

Course, that isn’t really what I am about. Nope. Once I Realized the absolute desperate survival ‘skill of the fittest’ a good editor can provide? I started saving my money, for the next book, because no matter how many times I go through the words… Ya know? I hear them the way I do, and so, yep, get an editor!

They also help keep you on track. Or can weave the tangent you went on back the right direction! So, here I am, so excited to be a real live published author. Yet, I had poured all the love and effort out, before checking where it would all be landing. A cup? Not so much.

Hence the imposter was born. I won’t list all the awful things I said to myself. Yet, the embarrassment couldn’t even begin to cover, the pain, of thinking my “effort” would never sell. Never be read. Sure, everyone can misspell a word, run a sentence on for days, or even describe the bark of a tree ad nauseum, but my words bled out of my heart and onto the world wide stage of failure, out loud, in capital letters. Who would ever want to read my work again? So unprofessional.

Let us take this Imposter Syndrome issue one more step further. Years have passed. I study like crazy. Learn my craft, and really try to improve. I also develop a passion, if not compulsion, to try to help people through my stories. For instance, The Spirit Dragon Series, teaches actual real karate. If there was a child out there, hiding from bullies, not sure where to turn, reading my book? If that little person follows the instructions, they could get some little bit, of self defense inside them. To make it through the situations they are faced with every day?

What’s a few run on sentences right? That was my big dream. Huge! Well, years later, I’ve published a few more books. I have had the honor to make several contributions to anthologies, and I have a stack, of published work out there.

Then my husband has a stroke. Long story short, I lost my ability to feel. I spent two straight years wondering what my name was let alone if I was getting to work on time. Awful. Debilitating grief.

There I was, completely broken, unable to function in the outside world without having a terrible panic attack or other issue born from fear and utter depression.

After a few blinks into the bright sunlight, and a double take at what year it is, I get to work. Because what the heck is happening? Bear with me the connection is almost here.

As I mentioned, my big deal is to help people through my writing. Well, I started writing about the experience of grief. Writing blog posts about meditation, and trying to keep things light and conversational because, who am I to talk about reaching calm and stillness inside yourself? I broke under the weight of grief, and then allowed myself to be bullied at my place of employment. A Karate Sensei. Bullied.

Major big time definition of Imposter Syndrome in ever land of ever. To me anyway. Here I am trying to help other people, climb out of the crippling anxiety. The consuming depression. Days you literally can not get out of bed. It isn’t just about the effort or motivation to move. There is something which prevents you. A heaviness. And when the deep dark hurts as dark as it is deep, it paralyzes you.

I mean just trying to breathe hurts.

So enough with the heavy and everything was awfulness. It was, has been, okay. What I realized about feeling like such an imposter? Is that, I was that person, doing meditations. I have practiced different breathing techniques to try to control or at least be able to handle the attacks that happen. I actively-participate in addressing the problem. No matter how much it hurts. How scary it is.

So, it is okay that I am “still doing that” because I am sharing the things that have worked, what hasn’t, and how I learned through it. The “so far I have figured out…”

That alone. Not an imposter. An active participant. Someone who may have an experience that could help you get through a similar one. If nothing else, I’m a person trying. Still not “impostering”- 🙂 [Is that a word?] 🙂

It was a curiously difficult lesson.

Thanks for the read!

K~